Member-only story
Why I Stopped Being Nice
What I learned to do instead
Most of us long to be good partners to others. But what does it mean to be good to others in a relationship? In my twenties, I thought it meant being polite, overriding my own needs or feelings to make life easier for the other person. I thought I was building strong relationships. Except that I felt like a phony, I felt awkward. For me being nice meant being saccharine sweet rather than real. As I continued putting my own needs aside, I saw others as selfish. Several friendships fizzled when conflict hit. We were too “nice” to talk about our differences. While trying to be all things for others I lost myself in the process. For me being nice led to superficial relationships, misunderstandings, blow-ups, and sometimes drama.
Becoming a coach showed me being “nice” wasn’t going to create powerful relationships. It wouldn’t support people in making the required shifts to achieve their desires. I realized it wasn’t nice to be “nice” to others. I decided to be a net positive instead, both as a coach and as a person. To do this, I needed to be kind rather than nice — including to myself. Being kind allowed me to be a net positive to others. This shift transformed my relationships, including the one with myself. The mental friction in my head receded, giving me more freedom to think about other subjects.
