Member-only story
Navigating the new normal
Alarms beeped. The room glowed with flashing monitor lights.
I heard someone scream “Get Dr. Jacobson. Now!” Every medical professional in the cardiac ICU came rushing into my room. Everything was chaotic, yet I felt calm. I knew that if the doctor didn’t come…now, I’d be dead in five minutes. I wasn’t in control. I either had to fight or simply let go.
Hours later I had my answer. I woke up slapping at the doctor trying to remove the ventilator from my lungs following cardiac surgery.
My body had decided to fight, and won.
When I tell that story people often turn their head to the side, the way you automatically do when you feel bad for someone. They ask if it was the worst day of my life. My reply always confounds them.
“It was a hard day, but it was also the best day of my life.”
That might sound strange. Let me explain.
When you’re dying, you know it. At least, I knew it. The moment we reckon with our mortality is one we’ve been trained to dread. Rather than scary or dramatic, it was peaceful. It was a moment of utter clarity.
I knew there was only this moment. I might not ever have another. I had a choice. How did I want to spend this moment? I surrendered. It wasn’t a conscious thought, it was pure instinct. Every…
